$40 to remove a watermark my ass.
$40 to remove a watermark my ass.

About Me, Matt Haslem

I’m just a simple farm boy, born and raised in the suburbs, with no experience or interest in farming.

I am a 27 year-old residing in the beautiful city of Norfolk, VA. I spent six of my bronzed years obtaining a communications degree at Old Dominion University. The first few years of my college career consisted of switching majors and making horrible life decisions. They were the best years of my life -- until I sobered up and realized I was a useless pile of shit. So, I buckled down, got a job, worked hard and became a useful pile of shit [Deans List Student]. Eventually, all | that hard work turned into a bona-fide degree! During this time I gained a lot of knowledge and experience in every aspect of media and human relationships.


I am a student of Old Dominion University working towards getting my Computer Science degree. Yes, this will be my second degree. My first degree was in Communications, but Computer Science was always my first choice. I switched majors originally because I was young, dumb, and lazy. But now I'm old, dumb, and still lazy... but now I have an Adderall prescription.

It's comeback time.

I still work as a meat cutter in a grocery store that is beloved by rich folk and eccentric crackheads alike. My days are spent mutilating the remains of dead animals into well-formed, over-priced pieces of meat.

It’s hard to describe the satisfaction I receive from my job. The overwhelming sensation that pours over me when I cut into a fresh tenderloin - a once vital part of a cow’s life - is now mine to cut into alluring $20 steaks. Steaks that will be purchased by decrepit, old ladies who will most likely feed it to their even-more-decrepit, old cats.

Do I feel remorse slicing through the body parts of cows?
No... Because the cow is already dead.

Do I wonder how the cow must feel knowing that some patron will be gnawing on it’s flesh?
No... Because the cow is already dead.

Despite the passion I have for meat cutting, I do love animals. Especially cows -- Cows kick ass. So, I take comfort in the fact that I am completely ignorant when it comes to farms and slaughterhouses. I have no idea what goes on in those places. I have no idea how the cows are treated. I have no idea how much suffering the animals go through.

But, I like to believe there is some sort of cow-eugenics program in place. Where only the inferior cows are harvested and the prime-overlord cows are kept alive to participate in selective breeding to create a master cow race. The humans believe this cow race will produce the finest of beefs - and they are right. But, little do they know, they create a breed that surpasses their highest expectations. A breed of cow that is more intelligent and stronger than any human.

A breed of cow that will rise up and take back this country from their human oppressors until WE are the ones enslaved!

WE are the ones harvested!

WE are the ones providing nourishment!

Nourishment to the hungry cows as they rebuild power and form the world into the dominant, cow utopia that it was always meant to be…

That would be pretty cool.

But I digress.

Anyway, aside from being a full-time worker, I also provide a large variety of services. I use the term ‘services’ loosely. ‘Services’ implies that I’m working sober and for compensation. My job is a service. What I do in my free time are hobbies. Hobbies that I do for fun. Mostly hobbies that I participate in simply to kill time while sitting on my ass.

DISCLAIMER: Most of that was written in 2016, but is still mostly true. Except for the part where I like my job. Fuck that place <3
Me holding my meat



Things I Do While Sitting On My Ass:

Turkey Painting

I do not consider myself an artist.

My artistic abilities can be compared to a toddler finger-painting after pulling a Tommy Pickles heist on his father's liquor cabinet. Despite my lacking abilities, I do have a certain affection for viewing quality art pieces and creating mediocre ones. Because shit - if you enjoy doing something, continue to do it no matter how bad you are at it. Your skills can never be worse than they are at this moment.

Most people believe art is about capturing a moment, provoking emotion or sending a message. I agree to some extent. But, art is a form of media and media is about entertainment. Art is about creating something that's simply cool to look at. Art with a message is nothing if it's not cool to look at.

That being said, here are some things I painted because I thought they'd be cool to look at:

Spray Paint, Finger Paint
Spray Paint
Made it to hang over my toilet
Spray Paint
All Killer, No Killer
Acrylic Paint
I was ridiculously intoxicated while I painted this tribute to my all-time favorite band. The words in the background are the lyrics to Fat Lip - which I got wrong. All Killer No Killer refers to the title of my favorite album - which I got wrong.
Jessenya Hiester
Spray Paint, Finger Paint, Too Much Glitter
For Jessenya Hiester. Design requested by Jessica Hiester.
Me Painting
Just wanted to emphasize how intoxicated I was.
The words 'Graphic Design' with a picture of a pug mask

To go along with the art motif I set-up in the last section, I am more than just a drunk painter - I’m also a drunk graphic designer. Over the years I have become quite proficient with Adobe’s various designing programs. I believe I’m far more competent as a computer artist than a physical artist. Because I might not be able to perform a steady brushstroke, but I sure can move a computer mouse two inches at a time.

Here are some of the results of my mouse movements.

Adobe Photoshop, Adobe Fireworks
Found a photo of my roommate, Cam, and turned it into a disturbing, 36x24" canvas to hang above my bed.
The Streets
Adobe Photoshop
My first canvas ever depicts the popular children's television character, Big Bird, injecting himself with a sweet dose of that good stuff. There's a few obvious meanings behind this artwork -- all unintentional. I just wanted to see Big Bird do some heroin.
Adobe Photoshop, Adobe Fireworks
Did the same with my other roommate, Nick.
The Sloppy Pig
Adobe Illustrator, Adobe Photoshop
My uncle asked me to create a logo of a cartoon pig for a barbeque joint he was opening. He’s family, so I refused to accept any money for this simple job. He agreed to give me a bottle of liquor as compensation... I’ve never recieved that bottle.


Matt Haslem


MATT (20s, scruffy, bitchin) sits at his desk - pedantically and reluctantly working on his website. JOSEPHINE (20s, beautiful) lies alone in bed - by his side - watching Blue’s Clues. She hopes the childhood nostalgia will distract her from the lack of attention she is receiving from Matt. But alas, her gargoyle-like stance and obsessive glancing at his computer screen fails to distract him from his whiskey and his writing. For when he is writing, nothing can break his concentration. He is tenacious, industrious, slightly-buzzed, but, above all… he is bitchin.

None of my various hobbies will ever compare to writing. Creating stories full of low-brow humor is my passion. It’s the reason I’ve created this website. It’s the reason I’ve spend countless hours creating my videos. I do it all to bring my writing to life.

I am a wannabe screenwriter. If I could spend the rest of my life sitting alone in my room, typing out screenplays until I become maniacally depressed, I would be the happiest man in the world. Although I do dabble in other forms of writing like prose and poetry,

[Insert Poem Here]

Screenplays will forever be my favorite for two reasons:

1. The finished product of a screenplay is a movie - There’s hardly ever any reading involved in movies and reading sucks ass.

2. There’s a very limited amount of imagery required. Screenplays keep it simple. You don’t need to dive into great details. You describe the action, write a few jokes and move on. It’s right up my alley.

I currently only have one finished, full-length screenplay. A romantic comedy full of love, despair, redemption and fart jokes (there’s only one fart joke). But I will continue to perfect my craft until I’m a bigshot Hollywood writer with a decent apartment and little name recognition.


“Matt enjoys writing Romantic Comedies because he’s a total pussy; but it’s cute in an endearing way, so we forgive him. If you want a comedic writer then you should probably try your other options first, but if they fall through, then Matt is decent enough. If your humor mirrors that of the existential masterpiece: Good Burger, then definitely hire Matt to do all of your script writing. He’s also super attractive, so at the very least you should use him as eye-candy. You have weird-shaped ears but that’s ok, cause i like weird things. i’m also starting to feel a buzz so i apologize for whatever follows..... How did Alec Baldwin look super attractive in this movie but then NEVER again. He looks like a Hills Have Eyes person covered themselves in Elmer’s School Glue and then rolled across a cheap rug. I don’t get it......”

- Surprisingly Articulate Drunk Girl I Dated


- Screenwriting Professor

“The story is driven by uneventful experiences and immature humor that’s inappropriate for the classroom. It some of the most entertaining, witty and impressive writing I’ve seen from a student. A+ ”

- Filmmaking Professor

*Quote was given some creative liberties by recipient


Me overacting as an anchor.
The burning intensity.

I spent a lot of time as a child dicking around with my parents’ camera.

I would create these short little videos with my brothers and friends and force my parents to watch my Kubrick-tier masterpieces "(not an insult towards Stanley Kubrick, just a tribute to me)". My parents would always force a smile and fake enough sincerity to tell me how great the videos were "(much like how people react to Kubrick’s work. AYYYYYE-OOOOH)(I’m kidding)(Kubrick is legendary).

Anyway, it’s been a solid 20 years since I filmed my first short and my skills have dramatically improved by at least a solid 2%. I’ve had hands on work with every aspect of amateur filmmaking, and a couple in professional filmmaking. Over the years I’ve gathered this cardinal knowledge of the different areas of videography:

  1. Directing is fun when your cast is either intoxicated or willing.
  2. Producing sucks ass. It scourges my happiness and bank account.
  3. Editing is my strongest area. It is a long, meticulous, vital process and sole contributor to my alcoholism.
  4. Writing is the tits.
  5. Acting is more difficult than it looks. It’s a skill that needs to be developed. Never would’ve thought considering Casey Affleck’s success.
Getting interviewed for the news! I told them I saw the shooting. I was nowhere near it. Has nothing to do with videography, but I'm quite proud of it.

Here’s a project I made for a filmmaking class my sophomore year that taught me these lessons: